Alternative events for Japanese olympians

With their dismal showing ringing loud and clear across the nation, I thought it might be an idea to put forward some alternative events for the Japanese olympians to try. So here we go...

- Train station race: stationary just beyond the ticket gates, the competitors must race up the stairs, push past all the people in line, and find a forward facing seat. Extra points to be awarded for foreigner avoidance and answering cell phones loudly.

- Food appreciation race: sat at low tables, the competitors must quaff bowls of sour pickles, bitter vegetables and other non-descript dishes. Extra points to be awarded for teeth sucking, and repeated use of the words "amai", "oishii" and overreacting and saying "eeeeeeeaaaaahhh!" with closed eyes when drinking the overpriced, undertaste beer.

- Speed bowing: stood in a long line, the competitors must bow as many times as they can in a set time. The event could be split into the following disciplines - deep bow, polite bow, awkward-jerking-bow-when-meeting-an-acquaintance-in-public-whose-status-you-are-unsure-of and indifferent nod.

- Haste Cycling: the competitors must cycle through busy streets as slowly as possible, with the victor being the final competitor over the finish line. Extra points to be awarded for misuse of the bell, squeaking brakes and using a cell phone, umbrella or applying make up at the same time.